I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
