U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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