Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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