I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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