If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
