What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
