I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
