do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
