Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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