ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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