i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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