did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
