fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
