He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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