Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize