Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
