My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
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My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
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Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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