Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
