Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
