Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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