smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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