I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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