She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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