I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
they're like a gay fantastic four
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.