what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize