I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
