Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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