Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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