Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
