I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
