I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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