captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
