Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
