there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I have tasted many bathrooms
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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