We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
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Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
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We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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