I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
