She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
