just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
