i already hear my dad disowning me
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
