Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
