hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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