I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
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I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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