Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
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She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize