it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
