somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
