Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
