If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
if i died would you start the facebook group?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
