the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
