It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
are you so shy because you have an std?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
