We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
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Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
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it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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