i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
