I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Even the bartender felt bad for me
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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